What Happened to my Body??? (Life after kids)

So here’s my tum tum as of five minutes ago.

TumTum.jpg

Now I never had a flat-ass tummy. EVER. But it was nice. I was happy with it’s size, width, height, girth etc. at any weight I happened to have been at. Then…I kinda had two babies. Let me state two things: I am very grateful that I had no stretchmarks from either pregnancy. (I hear it’s genes but I’d also like to think it’s a delish natural combination of oils I rubbed on my belly thrice a day). I’m also grateful for still being somewhat fit for my 37th year and being a Mom of two. But this article is about pure, selfish vanity – please forgive the Monday-self-consumption.

Disclaimers aside, here’s my rant. So the above photo is most probably the most unflattering angle. I can look so cute in skinny jeans and a top that loosely falls over my middle and LOOK FAB! Then, I go and analyze this view. It’s not that I feel I’m gross in any way – but what happened??? I was at my gal pals last Friday swimming. I put on a few pounds; hey – who doesn’t? So I self-consciously donned a tee over my bikini for the first few hours. Then I wanted to swim with my lil’ gals and how silly to go into a pool with a shirt on. I mean really???? So off the top came! (Top meaning t-shirt not bikini top). And I felt glorious. I felt like I was ten again. Splish-splashing in the water, giggling, playing. And I soon forgot about my self-perceived chubb and just embraced the moment of sun and fun. The rest of the day (another friend and my husband joined us), I continued to bare my post-children belly and never thought twice about it. Ok, until this morning.

So here’s my thing: We can embrace what we have BUT if something bothers you (case in point: my belly and lower boob chubb hanging south where it ought not be), then we have the choice to do something about it; to improve. I can choose to eat less gluten (I totally bloat up like a dingy with too much bread, pasta, etc), up my cardio or drink more spinach and cherry smoothies. At the same time, I can CHOOSE to love my body at any fitness level it’s at.

This balance took me a long time to discover. And it’s still a struggle on some days, mostly Mon-Days where the week begins anew with fresh irks. I used to have an on-again off-again love-hate relationship with food; specifically bulimia. I not only loathed my relationship with food, but also loathed total lack of control over many areas of my life. And ta-da! What could I control? What I put in my mouth and what I chose to unnaturally expel from my body. I felt cleansed after every binge and purge episode; like I was steering my ship into calmer waters. How dumb. I’ll spare the timeline details, but the time came (after having my two beautiful daughters) when enough was enough.

I have been purge-free for two and a half years! With each passing day, there’s really no going back – otherwise I’d have to start counting all over again which is just silly. I’m really proud of my 2.5 years, my two amazing girls, the example of health and balance that I’m setting and even of the belly that happily rests on my lap.

Yea, I’ll get to the gym today. Yea, I’ll have a smoothie for lunch. And probably a some gelato and chips and salsa tonight. Balance. Acceptance. And FUN! How can you have fun when you’re covering up at a pool? How can you have fun when you’re so weak from barfing up everything you ate? How can you have fun when you’re more concerned about your chubb popping out then laughing with your children? Again, dumb.

I’ve had a lot of hard lessons to learn in life – and I’m not done yet. But I’m learning from the best teachers, my lil’ gals, 2 and 7. Beautiful creatures, innocent, happy, so un-self-conscious. One of my fav pics of my oldest girl is her sitting in her underpants, belly hanging out, eating a Boston Creme donut like there’s nothing more important in the world at that moment.

See what I mean? Genius! I am totally getting a Boston Creme tonight and sittin’ in my underpants whilst watching New Orange is Black with my main main. Ok, gym first. Now how’s that for fun??

Love,
H

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