So lately I’ve been on this natural kick for all my household/beauty needs. I made this delish coconut oil lavender lotion, cleaned my dishwasher and coffeemaker with baking soda, made my own natural laundry detergent and am about to make my own natural shampoo and kids body wash! All have been a success so far….except this very catastrophic attempt.
So I’m intrigued by my girlfriends getting waxed; it’s like second-nature to them. I loathe shaving so I start getting curious. However I can’t fathom having a technician all up in my b’ness AND inflicting pain that I have no control over whatsoever. Nah, I’ll pass.
So I peruse the internet for the ‘best’ at-home waxing products. I started to get the idea; wax kits that you melt in the microwave and apply with these reusable strips. Reusable you say? Well, why can’t I just make my own strips? Wait a minute – why can’t I just make my own wax? Yes! The one drawback I read was that I’d have to let the hair grow to about 1/2″ to it removes easier. Um, gross but okay. I steer clear of my husband for a few days lest he think I’ve given up grooming.
So I Google again, this time searching for effective waxing recipes. I look at a couple and have an overall concept of the combinations. Sugar, lemon juice, water – boil til’ thick then cool slightly to a taffy consistency. Simple enough. My first batch burned because I was multi-tasking (butt-wiping, laundry and web-surfing). So I try again and am quite impressed with my concoction which probably cost $0.20. Then I find some old cloth and cut into punanni-friendly strips.
By this time, my main man is home from work and wants to know what the yummy smell is – ‘Um, just an experiment’. I slink upstairs holding my supplies of torture and lock myself in the bathroom.
Now I’m feeling pumped up and pretty badass. I mean, I’ve experienced pain before so what’s a little waxing compared to let’s say, a Spartan race and a four inch laceration on my forearm (unrelated btw). I got this!
I smear on some torture-taffy and quickly apply a cotton strip. I’m still feeling mighty confident and one-two-three, PULL! HOLY MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ever stub your toe? Take that pain times five. That’s pretty rough. Worst part is, the hair didn’t come off! So all that pain for nothing??
I bravely try again. Smear, apply, rip off. OWWWWWWWW! (plus other highly offensive expletives). Again, all the pain and no gain. I figured my cook-time must have been faulty. So I wipe all this sticky crap off myself, the floor – it pretty much got everywhere – and cook the torture-taffy for a few more minutes. It’s now looking pretty and golden and I’m convinced I’m amazing.
I slink upstairs again, trying desperately to not let my girls hear me. Ah, too late. The lil’ 2.5 yr old is banging on the door and wants to come in. Ok, sure, watch Mommy slather syrup all over her ‘girl parts’ and inflict excruciating pain for vanity. Yeah, she’ll be traumatized. Luckily, she’s disinterested so I can go about my second round.
Again, smear, apply, rip. Success! And OWWWWWWWWWW! But this time, the hair came off! Ever use those Biore strips on your nose? When you remove the strip, you stare in awe over the amount of gunk that was in your pores. This was a Biore moment. I stared in utter admiration of the strip holding my 1/2″ hair strands. Can you even call pubic hair strands? They’re more like wiry bristles. Anyway, I’m thrilled!
So I attempt more areas and not only was the pain getting intolerable (I still had a bit of jungle territory to cover), but the hair wasn’t coming off as well. Now my logic set in and I concluded that no amount of ‘smooth’ punanni skin was worth this trial & error torment. I honestly don’t know how the other gals do this, but I feel no competitive need to keep with up them. I threw all my home-made supplies out and resign myself to a lifetime of shaving. Maybe not lifetime per se; I doubt I’ll care about unruly pubic hair when I’m 70.
So three valuable lessons learned:
1. I am not as tough as I presumed.
2. Don’t believe every home remedy you read online.
3. And just like a bad home-waxing job, life is about trial and error (at times painfully so) and can help you appreciate the simpler things in life – like good ol’ razors and shaving cream.