my own

so me Mum is in the ER right now. not sure what’s going on yet. i’m home with my lovely ladies. and i sit here with my DMB and wonder…about life, choices, mortality, possibilities.

last week, after a tearful call to her, she said quite compassionately, ‘honey, life isn’t about happiness; it’s about self-sacrifice’. is that statement even possible said with love? i suppose, love as one knows it.

so i plowed through work gallantly, unknowing of the outcome of my mom’s health. got the girls to bed. reached out to a few friends, but still felt…lost.

here i am, standing on the cliff’s edge, teetering. shall i jump? philosophically speaking of course. i’m too damn vain to self-destruct. i’m rather, at this crossroads of sorts. like a hidden force saying, ‘hey woman, it’s now or never’.

my mom had her ‘now or never’ chance, many times over. the boy in the German village who kissed her, confessing his adoration. the frustrated Father offering to send his rebellious child to art school in Paris, the lovers along the way who would have given anything to sweep this complex, artistic exotic beauty off her feet. so many missed opportunities. all for? what? that’s the point.

why do we self-sacrifice? is it really about sacrificing for others? or rather is it fear. absolute, bone-chilling fear to venture into unknown, possibly blissful waters? i think the latter.

when my mom ‘goes’, the intense sadness will be not over death itself, but rather the life that wasn’t fully lived. and that reality, though destined for her now, is very much alive for me. and the choices are there. i hide. i hide behind responsibility and ‘supposed to’s’.

and my day might come, where my own daughters will feel sadness over their Mum’s choices.

i’d much rather they sit and drink whiskey, and reminisce about Crazy Mommy who got tattoo’d up the wazoo, skydived at 50, loved many on an indescribable level, took shit from no one, caused fights in art studios, argued everything and lived, in her last breaths of life, in absolute peace – because she had experienced all life had to offer.

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