wild abadonment

i ran through a series of happy highlights of my life today. i started as early as i could recall. i stumbled thru the years, some happy, some sad. found enough bright moments to justify a ‘happy childhood’. throughout my piecing, i identified one series of rushes of happy:

although my Mom was perpetually sad and disheartened almost daily, over her dysfunctional marriage, she mustered enough selflessness and love to take us to the beach. we lived about 15 mins from Ventura Beach. nothing special, nothing idyllic. just a place we escaped.

i remember sun. just pure glaring sun. we splashed, we raced, we swam until our legs gave out. exhausted, we climbed onshore and collapsed on the sand. we dried ourselves off in the sun’s rays.

that was the purest form of peace i can recall. i carried no weight of stress or sadness or anxiety. even with all the shit happening at home, this was our place of silliness and nature and light. i don’t recall a brighter, physical or emotional, moment in my life. it was wild abandonment. such pure childish joy.

it’s so easy to forget those moments in adulthood. how to find our ‘happy’. we get so muddled in responsibility, that we lose sight of what it’s like to just … feel…and be.

my daughter has had to ‘beg’ me to run ’round outside with her. i have clearly forgotten the innocent drive of just existing and playing and exploring. if it weren’t for my girls, i might have forgotten what it feels like to run barefoot in the cool grass and raise my face into the sun…and just smile.


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